“Money Money Honey” – Thoth 2002/Al Bundy after ABBA (Money Money Money)

I work all night, I work all day, to buy the pens I have to pay
Ain't it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for beer
That's too bad
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy woman
I wouldn't have to work at all, I'd fool around and have a ball (point)...

Money, money, Honey
Must be funny
In the penshop’s world
Money, money, money
All those LE’s
In the penshop’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the pens I could buy
If I had a little money
It's a penshop’s world

A woman like that is hard to find but I can't get her off my mind
Ain't it sad
And if she happens to be free I bet she wouldn't fancy me
That's too bad
So I must leave, I'll have to go
To the New York City Fountain Pen Show
And win a new cap in a draw, my life will never be a bore...

Money, money, Honey
Must be funny
In the penshop’s world
Money, money, money
All those LE’s
In the penshop’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the pens I could buy
If I had a little money
It's a penshop’s world

Money, money, Honey
Must be funny
In the penshop’s world
Money, money, money
All those LE’s
In the penshop’s world
Aha-ahaaa
All the pens I could buy
If I had a little money
It's a penshop’s world

It's a penshop's world

American Pens

With apologies to Don M. and to all our German buddies.

A long long time ago I can still remember how
Our own pens used to make us smile.
And I knew if we’d seen the light
That we could make the whole world write
And maybe they’d be happy for a while

But plumes today have made me shiver
With everything Fed Ex delivers
Bad news on the doorstep
I can’t see much hope left.

I can’t remember where I’d been
When I read about our corporate sins
But I was touched from way back when
Then day we lost our pens.

So bye-bye our American friends
Pulled my Sheaffer by the lever but the lever was bent.
Those good old boys were sippin’ quink to the end,
Saying, “These are out American Pens,
These are our American pens.”

Did you read Dubiel’s book?
Open it and take a look
At all our great technology.
Do you believe real filled gold?
Can Sanford save your mortal soul?
And can you teach me how to write real slow?

Well I know that you’re in love with them
Cause I saw you doodle thick and thin.
When you took out the sac
You a put a new one back.

It was my lonely teenage writing luck
To use my Grandpa’s Sheaffer tuck.
But I knew I was out of luck
The day we lost our pens.

We started singing:
Bye-bye our American friends
Pulled my Sheaffer by the lever but the lever was bent.
Those good old boys were sippin’ quink to the end,
Saying, “These are out American Pens,
These are our American pens.”

Now for lots of years it’s been bizarre
And scum grows thick on plastic star
But that’s not how it used to be

When Parker sang for Douglas Mac.
On a ship, long after the attack
In a line that came from you and me.

But while Janesville was slowing down,
the mountain stole it’s noble crown.
The marketplace had changed
Like it was pre-arranged.

When Conklin when to bankruptcy
the Trio closed their eyes to see.
And we said prayers on bended knee
The day we lost our pens.

We were singing:
Bye-bye our American friends
Pulled my Sheaffer by the lever but the lever was bent.
Those good old boys were sippin’ quink to the end,
Saying, “These are out American Pens,
These are our American pens.”

Another wicked German notion,
The Pelikan flew across the ocean
Full of ink and falling fast.

It landed foul on the grass.
The Trio tried for a forward pass,
With Parker on the sidelines with a cast.

Now the Superchrome was sweet perfume
While Edson scrawled a marching tune
We all got set to write
But we lost our way that night.

When the Trio tried to take the field
Those German things refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed the day we lost our pens.

We were singing:
Bye-bye our American friends
Pulled my Sheaffer by the lever but the lever was bent.
Those good old boys were sippin’ quink to the end,
Saying, “These are out American Pens,
These are our American pens.”

There we were staring at the same place
A Fisher Bullet lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on, star be nimble, star be quick,
Vendome sits on a cheap gimmick.
Precious resin is the devil’s only friend.

And as I saw them on the page,
My snorkel clenched in fists of rage
No devil born in hell
Could break that white star’s spell.

As its fame spread out into the world
His advertising signs unfurled
I saw Montblanc’s evil lips were curled
The day we lost our pens.

I met a girl who wrote in blue
And I asked her if she’d stayed true.
But she just smiled and turned away.

I went down to the writing store
Where I saw our pens years before.
But the man there said that our pens wouldn’t pay.

And in the streets the faithful screamed
The writers cried and the poets dreamed.
But a word was uttered
The factories were shuttered.

And the U.S. pens we all love most
Edson’s, Parker’s - the country’s boast.
They’ve sadly given up the ghost.
The day we lost our pens.

And we were singing:
Bye-bye our American friends
Pulled my Sheaffer by the lever but the lever was bent.
Those good old boys were sippin’ quink to the end,
Saying, “These are out American Pens,
These are our American pens.”

You know the tune...

How many lines of an ink are layed down
Before you call it your pen?
Yes, 'n' how many nibs must a fine ink have
Before it seems like a friend?
Yes, 'n' how many times must a modern be sold
Before it's seen as a trend?
The answer, my friend, is right there in your hand,
The answer is right there in your hand.

How many times must a writer look down
Before she can finish her snails?
Yes, 'n' how many stubs must one gal have
Before she can buy one that fails?
Yes, 'n' how many skips will it takes til he knows
That vintage pens will prevail?
The answer, my friend, is right there in your hand,
The answer is right there in your hand.

How many years can a Mont Blanc exist
Before it's smashed on the floor?
Yes, 'n' how many years can collectors resist
The call of Perchin, Krone, and more?
Yes, 'n' how many pens must one person have
Pretending he just ain't a store?
The answer, my friend, is right there in your hand,
The answer is right there in your hand.

“Born to be Inked” – Thoth 2002 after Steppenwolf (Born to be Wild)

Get your Hog-Pen runnin'
Head out to the pen store
Lookin' for some station’ry
And what ink comes our way

Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take your pen in a love embrace
Fire all of your lever fillers and
Explode into space

I like smoke and lightning
Montegrappa thunder
Racin' with the wind
And the Eclipse that I'm under

Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take your pen in a love embrace
Fire all of your Vacumatics and
Explode into space

Like a true Pentrace child
We were born, born to be inked
We can write so fine
I never wanna die

Born to be inked
Born to be inked

Organ Solo

Get your Hog-Pen runnin'
Head out to the pen store
Lookin' for some station’ry
And what ink comes our way

Yeah, darlin' go make it happen
Take your pen in a love embrace
Fire all of your Pelikan plungers and
Explode into space

Like a true Pentrace child
We were born, born to be inked
We can write so fine
I never wanna die

Born to be inked
Born to be inked

I really like Krone pens. I think most of them are downright gorgeous, and if I had a lot more money than I do, there are several I would have bought in an instant. But as we know, not everything that every company does is successful. We all have things we might wish to do again. And I hope if Mr. K reads this, he can appreciate the humor, for if his great designs were not as beautiful as they are, the others would not be so amusing.

Anyway, I apologize to Mr. K, Andrew L. Weber, and Tim Rice.

Jerry K. Superstar

Every time I look at them I don’t understand
Why you let the pens you make get so out of hand.
You would manage better if you would take a stand
And keep L.E. design from that orangutan.
If you just listen you’d sell more pens to the goyim.
So please Mr. K. just try harder not to annoy ‘em.

Jerry K. - Jerry K.
Where were your eyeglasses yesterday?
Jerry K. - Jerry K.
What monstrous thing will you make today?

Tell us which you think could be the peak of bad taste?
Which of your creations would you like to erase?
Lincoln- Hideous! with DNA in the top?
Or peacock colored Hancock? Jerry please won’t you stop!
Did you mean them to be like this? Were they a mistake or?
Did you mean for that Shakespeare to be an eyeball breaker?
Don’t you get me wrong.
Don’t you get me wrong.
Don’t you get me wrong now,
Don’t you get me wrong.
All I want to know
All I want to know
All I want to know is,
All I want to know...

Jerry K. - Jerry K.
Where were your eyeglasses yesterday?
Jerry K. - Jerry K.
What monstrous thing will you make today?

Apologies to Tracey Chapman and everyone else who reads this board.
Sing to the tune of Fast Car.

Nice Vac

You got a nice Vac
I keep a bic behind my ear.
Maybe we can make a deal.
Maybe together we could write postcards-
Exchange some letters
Start from Hello, got nothing to lose.
Maybe we could be penpals.
But me, myself, its ball points I choose.

You’ve got a nice Vac.
I’ve got a plan to get me out of here
I’ve worked hard at Office Max
Managed to buy me an Ion.
It’s refills sure don’t go far.
Going downtown and into the Pen store
You and I can both shop there
And finally see what it is to be writing.

You see, my old man’s got a problem.
He uses rollerballs that’s the way it is.
He says his old Waterman’s not working.
I said that 52’s too good to sit like his.
So he put it for sale on Ebay.
He wanted more cash than it was worth.
I said somebody’s got to put bids on it.
So I went online, that’s what I did.

You got a nice Vac
But is good enough to raise a grand or so?
We’ve got to make a decision.
Sell it now or take it to a show.

I remember writing with your Vac
Filled so fast felt like I was drunk.
Golden Web look awful slick-
Blue diamond shining on the clip.
And I had a feeling that I could write.
I had a feeling that I could write, write something
Write something.

You got a nice Vac.
We make songs to entertain ourselves.
Maybe we’ll win a contest.
I’ll quit working as a checkout girl,
A new set of nibs would sure be better.
You’ll write a novel and I’ll work at Bittner’s.
We’ll move into a Condo-
Live in Carmel and watch the sunsets.

You got a nice Vac.
I got a job selling high class pens.
You stay up late staring at this screen.
Spend more time on this board than you do with me.
I’d always hoped for better.
“What's the best pen for under 50 bucks?”
Thread after thread always going nowhere
So take your nice Vac and hit the highway.

You got a nice Vac
But is good enough to raise a grand or so?
We’ve got to make a decision.
Sell it now or take it to a show.

To the tune of "December 1963 (Oh, What A Night)"
(As recorded by The Four Seasons)

With apologies to Bob Gaudio and Judy Parker!

Oh, what a pen
came for Christmas back in sixty-three
What a very special gift for me
A brand new Sheaffer PFM.

Oh, what a pen
A kind I'd only ever seen before
When I was browsing through the office store
What a pen, that PFM.

Oh I, I got a funny feelin' when I opened the bow
Yeah my, as I admired the brilliant golden glow.

Oh, what a pen
Perfect writin', just delighting me
And the feel, just like a pen should be
Sweet perfection, what a pen.

I felt a rush as my words flowed onto paper
Dryin' to stay around, not floatin' off into vapor
Oh what a pen.

Oh I, I got a funny feelin' when I opened the bow
Yeah my, as I admired the brilliant golden glow.

Oh what a pen, how'd she know to buy a Pen For Men
Hints forever, "Not the Five-and-Ten!"
What a pen, that PFM.

I felt a rush as my words flowed onto paper
Dryin' to stay around, not floatin' off into vapor
Oh what a pen (do do do do do, do do do do do)

Oh what a pen (do do do do do, do do do do do)
Oh what a pen (do do do do do, do do do do do)
Oh what a pen (do do do do do, do do do do do).